Characters: Jack/Ianto, Gwen, Tosh & Owen
Word Count: ~3,800
Spoilers: Torchwood Series 1 & 2
Disclaimer: I don’t own Torchwood. Nor do I own Star Trek, Strictly Ballroom, 101 Dalmatians or any of the other films mentioned in this fic.
Jantolution prompts: Spock, Cooking & Team Bonding.
Authors Notes: This is the idea that spawned my first Jantolution fic- That’s The Trouble With Sci-Fi. 12 months later, I finally went back and finished this thing. TTTW Sci-Fi is set around about the middle of this fic, but you don’t need to have read that first.
For erin_giles, who managed to get Ianto in a towel into her TARDIS Big Bang entry for me and for the speedy beta. Also for Obwohl, who was my 250th reviewer on FF.Net
Summary: In which Gwen and Tosh are Janto fan-girls, things don’t go according to plan for Owen and Jack tries to make Ianto wear a corset. Slightly crackish.
That’s The Trouble With Film Night
Ianto Jones loved Film Night- it was easily the highlight of his week. Once a week he and Jack would make an effort to leave the Hub early and go back to Ianto’s flat, where they would take turns to cook. Ianto’s abilities in the kitchen meant his options were limited to curry, something with chicken, or pasta if neither of them could be bothered to spend long in the kitchen. Jack’s food varied from week to week and always fell into one of two categories- wonderful or inedible.
Ianto Jones loved Film Night. For one night - unless the apocalypse arrived again - he and Jack could snuggle up on his three-seater sofa, a tub of Ben & Jerry’s between them and forget about Weevils, Rift debris and their attention-seeking pterodactyl.
Ianto Jones loved Film Night. It was the morning after that was the problem.
“Has anybody seen Jack?” Gwen asked, exiting Jack’s office her finished report still in her hands.
Tosh glanced up at Gwen, shaking her head before returning her attention back to her computer screen. Owen groaned without removing his head from its resting place on his desk. He was still too hung-over to function adequately and did not plan to move again anytime soon.
“Ianto, have you seen Jack?” Gwen asked again, as Ianto appeared from the kitchen with a tray of five coffees and some painkillers for Owen. Ianto frowned, ignoring Owen’s grunt of thanks as he handed over the coffee and Paracetamol.
“Last time I saw him he was heading down to the vaults, but I thought he would have been back up by now.”
“Did he say why he was going down?” Gwen replied, coming down the stairs.
“No, but he’s been acting odd all morning. He seemed quite affected by the film we watched last night.”
“What was it? Something about an immortal git with a superiority complex, who’ll shag anyone and anything as long as it stays still long enough?” Owen didn’t have to lift his head from his desk to know that the other three were giving him filthy looks; he was still too drunk to think about what he was saying or whom he was saying it to.
“What did you guys watch?” Tosh asked, minimising the virus-scan she was running and accepting her own cup of coffee.
“101 Dalmatians.” That got Owen’s attention.
“You watched a Disney movie? Jack was quite affected by a film about black and white rodents?” Owen snorted before swallowing a mouthful of coffee and putting his head back down on the desk.
Gwen shot Owen a dirty look before replying, “I thought you were going to watch that new Bourne film that was out.”
“We were, but my next-door neighbour’s twelve year old fell out of a tree. Jack and I ended up baby-sitting her five year old all night.”
“Err, guys,” Tosh interrupted, having pulled up the Hub CCTV footage. “I think we have a problem. Jack’s not in the vaults...and neither is Janet.”
Ianto sat down next to Tosh, Jack’s coffee forgotten about on the abandoned silver tray, and started looking through the footage of the rest of the Hub. Tosh conjured up four more windows and started surveying the footage of the area surrounding the Hub. Gwen moved behind the two of them, ringing Jack’s mobile as she paced back and forth. It went straight to voicemail.
“I think you had better look at this,” Tosh said quietly as Gwen hung-up on Jack’s answering machine for the third time in two minutes. She turned the screen round to show Gwen and Ianto live footage of a park near the Hub.
There was Jack, unmistakeable in his long RAF greatcoat, and next to him tied to a leash was…
“What the hell possessed him to do that?!”
“I’m getting them both put on a leash!”
Owen got up from his desk, snagging Jack’s coffee from Tosh’s desk as he passed, just in time to see Jack accidentally drop the lead attached to Janet.
“No! Bad Weevil! Janet, stop! Heel, Janet! Heel! Get away from that cat!”
Ianto sighed, as they all watched Jack run around after the escaped Weevil, children and their parents looking on in bewilderment. “I’ll get the Retcon.”
Something was wrong with Ianto and it had not gone unnoticed by the rest of the team.
He walked around the Hub in silence, not responding to the curious looks or the thanks he received when he delivered their coffee. Gwen frowned as Ianto approached her desk. He had dark circles under his eyes suggesting he hadn’t had a lot of sleep the night before and his hair was standing up, as if he had run his hand through it in agitation.
“Ianto sweetheart, are you alright?” Gwen inquired, smiling at him as he handed over her pink and blue striped mug. Ianto nodded.
“Jack’s called a team meeting in ten minutes,” he replied brusquely, before stalking off to the kitchen. Tosh, Gwen and Owen all followed him with their eyes.
“That is not the look of a man who has been up all night shagging,” Owen said once Ianto had entered the kitchen. Tosh rolled her eyes while Gwen flicked an elastic band at him, raising her arms in triumph when it landed in his coffee. Both Tosh and Gwen laughed as Owen swore before launching Biros from his desk at Gwen.
They froze- Owen had his arm bent, about to throw another pen in Gwen’s general direction- as Jack bounded out of his office, whistling a jaunty tune. Jack didn’t even glance at the trio as he sauntered up to the boardroom.
“I assume that rules out a lovers tiff?” Owen asked, an eyebrow raised.
Tosh shrugged. “I’ve learnt not to assume anything where Jack is involved. Perhaps he’s annoyed Ianto and not realised.”
They all fell silent again as Ianto left the kitchen and headed up to the boardroom, his demeanour the direct opposite of Jack’s. The trio exchanged confused glances before heading up to the boardroom themselves, intending to find out what was going on sooner rather than later.
Both Jack and Ianto were already sitting down when they entered the room, the silence speaking louder than any words could. Both were sat in their normal seats- Jack at the head of the table, Ianto to his immediate left- but Ianto was staring determinedly at the wall, despite both Jack and Gwen trying to catch his eye.
Jack began to speak once they were all sitting, three confused faces looking at him expectantly.
“Ok, so last night I had an idea. I know some of you may not like it-" Ianto did catch Jack’s eye this time and the look spoke volumes. Gwen chanced a quick glance at both Tosh and Owen, both of whom gave a slight nod of the head. They had spotted the look and knew what it meant- Ianto knew what was about to happen and was not happy. Not one little bit.
“– you may not like it, but I believe it’s for the best.”
Jack paused to grin at them. “I think it’s time for another team bonding weekend away.” He paused again to let this statement sink in.
“Just what does this team bonding weekend involve?” Owen asked, looking sceptical. Jack beamed at him.
“We’re going camping. First thing tomorrow. So I suggest you all go home and pack. Meet back here tomorrow morning at 8.”
Three pairs of furious eyes turned towards Ianto as Jack left the room to start packing, whistling what sounded suspiciously like ‘Whistle Why You Work’. The team had been to the countryside a number of times since their run in with the cannibals; but that didn’t mean that they were happy about going back.
“What bloody film did you watch last night that gave him this ridiculous idea?” Owen demanded. Ianto glared back just as furiously.
“Brokeback Mountain,” Ianto ground out between gritted teeth. Owen paled. “Which I think you’ll find means this is. All. Your. Fault!”
“Why didn’t you make him watch something else?” Owen whined.
“You think I didn’t try?! I told you this would happen when you gave him the DVD.”
Ianto stalked out of the room, muttering quietly under his breath, the word ‘decaff’ clearly audible.
“So let me get this straight,” Gwen said, glaring at Owen. “You leant Jack a DVD, one in which you knew there was a distinct possibility that it would make him want to go camping again, but you went ahead and gave it to him anyway.”
Owen glanced warily at Gwen, then Tosh, and then Gwen again before leaping out of his chair and running out of the boardroom. The girls were right behind him.
Ianto winced as another bang sounded from the main section of the Hub. He, Gwen and Tosh had taken refuge in the kitchen, trying to decide on the best course of action. Gwen poked her head out the door at the sound of high-pitched laughter and whooping, but quickly withdrew it again, wrinkling her nose at the smell of burning wood.
“There goes Owen’s desk,” she said, accepting a cup of coffee from Ianto.
“If they do any damage to my computers,” Tosh glared at Ianto, also accepting a cup of coffee, “I will kill you. Slowly,” she added as an afterthought.
“How was I supposed to know this was going to happen? I didn’t think he would let Owen play with any alien-tech again after what happened with those lightsabers,” Ianto replied, taking Tosh’s threat seriously. He had seen what she could do with those heels. Tosh continued to glare.
“Besides, if anybody should be Q it would be you, certainly not Owen.”
Tosh grinned coyly at him. “Flattery will get you everywhere, Ianto.”
Ianto smirked. “How do you think I got the job in the first place?”
All three of them jumped as another bang sounded, closer and louder than any of the previous explosions, reminding them why they were hiding in the kitchen in the first place.
“I say we sedate them and lock them in the vaults,” Gwen suggested, looking towards the door warily as Owen cackled again. “At least until we can convince them that pretending to be James Bond in a building full of volatile alien technology… and an overly-sensitive pterodactyl,” she added as Myfanwy screeched from somewhere outside the room, “is an incredibly bad idea.”
Ianto shook his head. “How do you propose we get close enough to them to do that? Besides, sedatives wouldn’t work on Owen, what with him being dead.”
“Who said anything about drugging them?” Tosh responded, looking pointedly at some of the larger tins of dog-food Ianto fed to the Weevils, an evil grin on her face.
“Gwen’s got a pretty good aim on her; I bet she could take Jack out from here.”
Gwen and Ianto stared at Tosh incredulously. “You really are twisted, you know that, Tosh?” She merely grinned at Ianto’s comment. “You are the only person I know who would think to use a tin of dog-food as a missile.”
“Yeah, but would it work?” Gwen asked looking at the tins of dog-food thoughtfully.
Ianto shrugged his shoulders. “Probably, but to be honest I’d really rather not find out; you two aren’t the ones who’ll have to listen to Jack moan about his ‘bitch of a headache’. And do you have any idea how hard it is to get blood out of those shirts? Even I’m starting to run out of excuses to tell the dry-cleaners.”
“Well how about we-" Gwen’s second suggestion was interrupted by Owen appearing at the entrance to the kitchen. The doctor stood there, a modified alien-stun gun in his hands and a smug expression on his face.
“Oi, Moneypenny! Jack wants a coffee.” Ianto glared at Owen’s retreating back, ignoring the hushed giggles from Gwen behind him.
“Tosh, hand me that tin of dog-food.”
Tosh and Gwen stood next to the pile of clothing, looking at it curiously. Gwen nudged it gingerly with her foot, giggling behind her hand when the black trousers moved to reveal grey suspenders, a bright blue shirt and a white t-shirt - all of which clearly belonged to Jack Harkness.
Tosh nudged Gwen with her elbow before pointing towards Jack’s office. The pair started giggling again. How neither of them had noticed the trail of Ianto’s clothing up the metal steps, stopping outside the closed door, Gwen wasn’t sure.
“Are you thinking what I’m thinking?” Tosh asked, eyebrow raised and a mischievous grin on her face.
“CCTV?” Gwen replied, a matching grin plastered over her own face.
“CCTV,” Tosh nodded.
Ten minutes later, neither of the girls noticed the suit clad figure appear at the door to Jack’s office and close it again. They were too engrossed in Jack on the screen slowly removing his clothes while they ate a packet of Butterkist popcorn Gwen had found in the kitchen cupboard.
Ianto climbed down the ladders back into Jack’s bedroom and crawled under the covers, putting his head beneath a pillow and groaning with embarrassment.
He and Jack were never watching The Full Monty again. Never.
Gwen and Tosh approached the archives cautiously. This was Ianto’s domain; somewhere he retreated to when he wanted to be alone, either to brood or lick his wounds in peace.
Eventually - after getting lost in Section A-C twice - the girls found Ianto sorting through a large pile of manila folders, spread out on a small wooden table.
“Ianto?” Tosh asked quietly, not wanting to startle him. Ianto raised both of his eyebrows at the sight of the pair hovering next to a shelf containing Owen’s modified stun-gun, a dusty book with gold symbols across the front that looked like Egyptian hieroglyphics and a music box that lulled the listener into a deep sleep.
“Everything alright?” Ianto replied. The girls looked nervously at each other before Gwen started rambling.
“Ianto, we’re really sorry if we spoiled your night last night. I swear we didn’t know that you and Jack were going to see Star Trek as well otherwise we would have gone to see something else, or at least reserved different seats, and...”
Gwen faltered as Ianto held up his hands, chuckling quietly.
“Gwen, I promise that you and Tosh accidently reserving the seats next to Jack and I didn’t spoil my night. We only went because my DVD player blew up. Besides,” Ianto grinned at them, “it was nice to watch it with somebody who didn’t go, ‘Wow, Spock is HOT!’ every time he came on the screen.”
Gwen and Tosh visibly relaxed before Tosh frowned again. “Hang on, if you aren’t annoyed at Gwen and I why have you spent all day hiding down here? Are you and Owen fighting again?”
Before Ianto could answer, another voice drifted into the room from behind Tosh.
“Ianto! Where are you? I told you I’d find those Vulcan ears eventually.”
Ianto closed his eyes and groaned before pointing in the direction from which Jack’s voice had sounded. “That’s why.”
“No way, Jack. No bloody way!” Ianto shouted, moving away from Jack.
Tosh and Gwen watched the altercation with some interest, not even pretending to work. For every step Jack took towards Ianto, Ianto took one back. Jack was prowling- there really was no other way to describe it- a leer on his face, deliberately backing Ianto into a corner.
“Come on, Ianto, it’ll be fun.” Jack smirked at him. “Think of it as a team-bonding experience.” Ianto snorted.
“Forgive me if I’m not comforted by that thought.”
Jack continued to move towards Ianto, smirk still plastered across his face. “It’s not as if you’ll be the only one dressed up and Owen and I will be as well. So will Gwen and Tosh.”
“You really expect me to believe that Owen has agreed to this ridiculous plan?” Ianto asked disdainfully, turning suddenly when he realised he was about to become trapped between Jack and the Rift Manipulator. He stepped sideways, placing Tosh’s desk between himself and Jack.
“Gwen and Tosh haven’t agreed to it yet,” Gwen commented from her desk, grinning at the pair. “What is this big master-plan of yours then, Jack?”
Jack made a grand show out of removing six tickets from his trouser pocket. “These here,” he said, waving the tickets in the air, “are tickets for the five of us- and Rhys- to go see Rocky Horror at the New Theatre tomorrow night, but Ianto thinks it’s a bad idea.”
“Actually,” Ianto interrupted, while the girls both made noises of interest, “going to see Rocky Horror is not the problem. I like Rocky Horror, you already know that,” Ianto added with a pointed look at Jack. “My problem is you wanting me to go in drag!”
“I think you’d look good in heels,” Gwen piped, giving Ianto the once over from her desk.
“Don’t forget the stockings,” Jack leered, throwing Ianto a triumphant look, while Ianto glared at Gwen.
“What about you, Tosh? You up for it?” Gwen asked.
Tosh shot Ianto an apologetic look. “I’ve always wanted to see Rocky Horror, and I’ll get dressed up if everyone else is,” she replied, looking back at Gwen.
“Traitors - both of you,” Ianto shot at Gwen and Tosh, ignoring the ‘told you so’ look Jack was giving him.
“You know,” Jack mused, resting his chin in his hand. Ianto knew that look and he knew nothing good ever came from it. “I reckon we should do a test-run, just so you know what looks good on you.”
“You have got to be kidding me,” Ianto exclaimed. “I’m not doing the proper-thing, never mind a dress-rehearsal!”
“I’m sure I’ve still got a black corset in my wardrobe,” Jack continued, ignoring Ianto.
“I don’t even want to know the story behind that,” Ianto said, while Jack continued to look Ianto up and down, obviously imagining him in the outfit.
“Here, Jack. Catch,” Gwen shouted, throwing a small gold cylinder at Jack. “Don’t you think this colour would suit Ianto?” Jack caught the missile, smirking before starting to prowl towards Ianto again.
“You’re right, Gwen. I think this is Ianto’s colour,” Jack said, watching Ianto’s eyes widen in horror as he realised the item in Jack’s hand was Gwen’s lipstick. “Don’t you agree, Ianto?”
Ianto didn’t reply, he just turned and ran, almost sending Owen into the wall.
“Oi! Watch it, Ianto,” Owen shouted, watching as Ianto dove into the autopsy bay. Owen patted down his lab coat, making sure all his badges were intact before heading into the main section of the Hub where Tosh and Gwen were both rifling through their handbags, Jack hovering over their shoulders.
“Someone want to tell me why Ianto is now hiding under the autopsy table?” Owen asked the room in general, stepping to the side as Jack, Tosh and Gwen followed Ianto into the autopsy bay, each of them armed with either lipstick, mascara or eyeliner. Owen smirked to himself as Ianto’s screams and pleas echoed up from the autopsy bay, before heading to Tosh’s workstation. He knew Tosh had a digital camera about here somewhere.
“Love is in the air,” Jack sang in an incredibly poor Australian accent, spinning Gwen around the desks in the main section of the Hub, her laughter echoing around the building. Ianto leant against Tosh’s desk, grinning as Jack continued to sing.
“You don’t look surprised that Jack can sing.” Tosh grinned at him, from her seat next to him, tapping away at her computer.
“He sings in the shower on a morning,” Ianto replied, still watching Gwen and Jack dancing, laughing when they almost crashed into Gwen’s desk. “Admittedly, he doesn’t usually sound like an extra from Neighbours.”
“Aren’t you two going to join in?” Gwen asked, as Jack twirled them past Tosh’s desk, still singing, though he had, thankfully, abandoned the accent. Ianto raised an eyebrow at Tosh before standing up straight and holding out his hand.
“May I have this dance, Miss Sato?”
“You may, Mr Jones,” Tosh smiled at him, hitting a button on her keyboard so the sound of John Paul Young’s ‘Love is in the air’ was blasting out of the Hub speakers. She rose and accepted Ianto’s outstretched hand, allowing him to waltz her around the room, albeit a lot less extravagantly that Jack was twirling Gwen. Neither Jack nor Ianto noticed Tosh wink at Gwen with a pointed look to her computer.
“Swap with me.” Jack ordered a few minutes later, grabbing Tosh from Ianto and pushing Gwen towards him. Tosh shrieked in surprise, which quickly turned to peals of laughter as Jack spun her around so fast her feet were barely touching the floor.
“Ms. Cooper,” Ianto bowed, while Gwen curtsied.
“Mr Jones,” she replied, grinning broadly at him, before grabbing his hand. They didn’t get more than three steps before the pair started giggling.
“You know, you’re supposed to let the man lead,” Ianto reprimanded when they both stepped backwards, the deadpan tone to his voice a complete contrast to the grin plastered across his face. Gwen stuck her tongue out before she started giggling again, grinning at Tosh over Ianto’s shoulder.
“Swap!” Gwen and Tosh shouted, as the song ended and another much slower one started. However, instead of grabbing hold of Jack again, Gwen grabbed a completely unsurprised Tosh and shoved Ianto towards Jack. Jack raised an eyebrow at Tosh and Gwen, both of whom were spinning around but looking at Jack and Ianto with matching smug grins, before shaking his head fondly and holding his hand out to Ianto. Ianto took it, allowing Jack to pull him closer than they had held Gwen and Tosh.
“You know, if I didn’t know any better,” Jack said softly, “I would suspect that we were being set-up.”
“Are you complaining?” Ianto smiled at him.
Jack grinned back, resting his head against Ianto’s. “Not in the slightest,” he whispered softly, pulling Ianto even closer and resting their joined hands against his chest.
Ianto Jones loved Film Night. He loved the normality of it; of trying to second-guess what was going to happen next. Of waking up, Jack’s arms still wrapped around him and a throw covering them both because he had fallen asleep in the middle of the leading man’s heart-felt speech.
Ianto Jones loved Film Night. He loved listening to Jack quietly sing along with the songs in the background, and Jack’s chuckle when Ianto whispered along with chunks of dialogue.
Ianto Jones loved Film Night and as he and Jack danced slowly around the Hub, watching Gwen and Tosh grab a protesting Owen, who was trying to sneak down to the vaults unnoticed, Ianto decided that the morning after wasn’t too bad either.
Like it? Love it? Loathe it? Let me know :c)
Following an interesting comment from lone_star_woman- and because it was just so much fun the first two times- I'm taking prompts for scenes in the next instalment of 'That's The Trouble With...'
So what films do you want Jack and Ianto to watch? It can be anything from Disney to Dracula. Shakespeare to Sense and Sensibility. I'll even attempt to cover films I've not seen, via the wonders of Wikipedia and it's plot summaries. Any suggestions?
My Torchwood master-list can be found here.