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18 September 2009 @ 11:50 am
Fic: 10 Songs Ianto Jones Never Wants To Hear Again (1/1)  
Title: 10 Songs Ianto Jones Never Wants To Hear Again
Fandom: Torchwood
Rating: PG-13, one piece of mild swearing
Characters: Jack/Ianto, Gwen, Owen, Tosh and a cameo by PC Andy
Word Count: ~1,100
Spoilers: Series 2, set after Reset.
Disclaimer: Alas, I don’t own Torchwood. Nor do I own Moulin Rouge, 4 Wedding’s and a Funeral or anything else you recognise.
Prompts: The Roaring ‘20s, Birthday for Jantolution.

Authors Notes: Thanks to velvetfascism for the karaoke discussion. It really helped :c)

Summary: In which ABBA, The Wombles and The Charleston (amongst other things) cause Ianto to despair.

10 Songs Ianto Jones Never Wants To Hear Again

1. Truly Madly Deeply.

Ianto Jones hates karaoke. Loathes it even, and after the debacle and mortification that was Jack’s birthday party Ianto came to the conclusion that karaoke + alcohol + work colleagues is a very bad idea and should never be repeated.

Since then Ianto has edited this formula.

Serenading your boss/boyfriend/Jack in a public bar when there is a chance that your sister and her husband will walk through the door is so much worse.

2. Wishing You a Wombling Merry Christmas.

Ianto is surprised at how many things he has been able to cross off his list of ‘Things I Would Love To Do But Probably Never Will.’ He has a job he loves, friends and family he would die protecting and he even got to shoot Owen that one time.

Still, he would give up his coffee machine for a week for the chance to introduce Janet to the annoying DJ on Radio Wales’ Breakfast Show who insists on playing the song every December morning.

He’d give it up for a month if he could get his hands on the bastard who wrote it in the first place.

3. The Show Must Go On.

The Show Must Go On was the unofficial motto of the research department at Canary Wharf. One of the more senior researchers even got it printed onto a load of mouse-mats as a joke.

Your computer has blown up? - The Show Must Go On.

Your girlfriend left you for that nerd in HR? - The Show Must Go On

Aliens invade and kill almost everybody in the building? - The Show Must Go On

Ianto doesn’t need to do one of those daft online quiz things the girls are fond of to know that this is the theme tune to his life.

His Mam leaving, his Dad dying, Canary Wharf going up in flames, losing Lisa again...

Egged on by the majority of a bottle of whiskey, he tells Jack this three weeks into his suspension, on one of the nights Jack comes to check up on him. At the time Ianto didn’t understand why Jack laughed darkly and said, “I know exactly what you mean.”

Nine months later and Ianto understands now.

He ignores the temptation to run from the room as Jim Broadbent and Nicole Kidman start singing, watched avidly by Tosh and Gwen. Even Owen is absorbed in the film, his protests that musicals were stupid and the film would be awful silenced even before Satine and her skimpy outfits had appeared. Instead, Ianto leans closer to Jack, resting his head on Jack’s warm shoulder and entwining his fingers with Jack’s, where his hand is resting on Ianto’s thigh.

4. Diga Diga Doo.

Slow dancing, where you don’t have to do much more than sway to the music is the limit of Ianto’s dancing abilities and this doesn’t bother him in the slightest. He hated dancing anyway.

Jack on the other hand...

“Come on, Ianto,” Jack had cajoled. “It’s easy, I promise you’ll enjoy it.”

Three bruised ribs, a split lip and one visit to A&E later and even Jack agrees The Charleston is never going to be Ianto’s dance.

5. Love Is All Around

Ianto loves Gwen and Tosh; they are like sisters to him, except with more life-threatening situations and coffee than he has ever had in his relationship with Rhiannon. But if he has to sit through one more Hugh Grant film during Jack’s team bonding sessions he’s not going to be held responsible for his actions.

6. Don’t Stop Me Now

Ianto doesn’t need to look at any of his teammates to know they are all sharing worried and quizzical glances after he turns off the SUV radio with a vicious prod.

Their reactions when he explains about the first time he got drunk after sneaking into a club when he was sixteen- and how his defining memory of the night is throwing up with Queen echoing around the packed Gent’s toilets- are exactly as he anticipated. Owen laughs, Gwen reaches across the car to pat his arm sympathetically and Tosh grins meekly at him in the rear-view mirror.

They all ignore Jack as he starts reminiscing about that one time he slept with Freddy Mercury.

7. Jack and Ianto sitting in a tree...

This song has taught Ianto three things:

1. Owen has the maturity of a four year old. Ianto had already suspected this but it’s nice to have it confirmed.

2. Snogging Jack during your lunch break is all well and good as long as you remember to shut the door to Jack’s office. Nothing quite kills the mood like spotting your teammates standing in the doorway, each with a camera in their hand.

3. Martha isn’t actually psychic- Tosh has been emailing her CCTV footage.

8. Lay All Your Love On Me.

In Ianto’s opinion, Lay All Your Love On Me is easily one of ABBA’s worst songs, second only to Dancing Queen. The melody sounds like a bad re-mix of Voulez-Vous and it reminds Ianto quite vividly of an ex-girlfriend he’d really rather forget.

Of course, as is Ianto’s life, Owen spots Ianto’s cringe about halfway through Mamma Mia: The Musical, which Jack and the girls are making them watch.

Ianto tries bribery, blackmail and even gets Jack’s permission to shoot Owen again if he refuses to stop playing the song on his work computer. Ianto appreciates the offer but it’s not the same now Owen is already dead.

After three weeks of nothing but ABBA’s Greatest Hits echoing around the Hub, Ianto buys Tosh several bottles of white wine in exchange for her writing a programme that blocks Owen’s attempts to download the songs onto the Torchwood computers.

Owen pays £8.99 for a portable speaker and uses his iPod instead.

9. Something Kinda Ooooh!

Sitting in the back of the police car, Ianto can’t decide what is annoying him the most.

It’s a toss-up between knowing that Jack’s wandering hands- and his own inability to say no to Jack- have resulted in them getting arrested once again and Andy’s appalling attempts to sing along with the Girls Aloud song currently blasting out of the radio.

10. The X Factor Theme Tune.

Ianto has nothing against The X Factor as an idea and he quite likes Leona Lewis who won a couple of years ago. He is even willing to forgive them for letting that longhaired bloke from Liverpool murder one of his favourite Bryan Adam’s songs.

No, the show itself is fine, but every time he hears the theme tune he remembers the last time they were holding open auditions in Cardiff.

Chasing a lovesick, ‘I Love Simon Cowell’ t-shirt wearing Weevil through a crowd of five-thousand people is nobody’s idea of fun.

Like it? Love it? Loathe it? Let me know :c)

My Torchwood master-list can be found here.

Current Location: Elvish Country
Current Mood: hungryhungry
Erin Giles: ianto - laugherin_giles on September 18th, 2009 11:12 am (UTC)
So funny for so many reasons! XD This has totally set me up for the day hun.

This: Martha isn’t actually psychic- Tosh has been emailing her CCTV footage. made me laugh hysterically. And you've just got Ianto's voice so spot on. Also now, like Ianto, I'm not going to be able to hear the X-factor theme tune without the image of that Weevil in my head. Unlike Ianto though, I'll be pissing myself laughing.
pinkfairy727: Doctor Who - Marthapinkfairy727 on September 18th, 2009 09:45 pm (UTC)
Laughing hysterically is what I was going for so yay!

You know the Weevil's totally love the X-Factor. I think the pterodactyl is more of a Strictly Come Dancing fan :P
Your icon has caught my attention - happyfeetmumble on January 7th, 2011 05:15 am (UTC) (Expand)
Re: Your icon has caught my attention - erin_giles on January 7th, 2011 11:04 am (UTC) (Expand)
Claire: Jack and Iantotopgeargirl2 on September 18th, 2009 11:22 am (UTC)
This was very funny, I really enjoyed it.

pinkfairy727: Doctor Who - Sanity Is Relativepinkfairy727 on September 18th, 2009 09:45 pm (UTC)
Thank you!
molleomolleo on September 18th, 2009 11:25 am (UTC)
OMG, this is a RIOT! You are made of win! Totally loved it! More for the other members of the team? Can I steal this for another fandom?
pinkfairy727: Torchwood - B/W Jack/Ianto Heartpinkfairy727 on September 18th, 2009 09:47 pm (UTC)
The format? Sure, go for it. I'd appreciate if you put a link here saying this is where you got the idea. Let me know when you post it, I'd love to see what you come up with :c)

No promises for other members of the team but never say never!
stralis: eeyore smilestralis on September 18th, 2009 11:43 am (UTC)
I needed a laugh tonight and that did it. Loved it :)
pinkfairy727: Garfield - Odie LoLpinkfairy727 on September 18th, 2009 09:47 pm (UTC)
Thanks! Glad I could make you laugh :c)
ohnoes, it's the beccasaur: [Torchwood] Jack - mortuarylonelyangel_x on September 18th, 2009 11:47 am (UTC)

This was really funny, thanks for the laugh, sweetheart :)
pinkfairy727: Torchwood - Jack Smilepinkfairy727 on September 18th, 2009 09:49 pm (UTC)

You're welcome, dear. I'm glad I made you laugh :c)
missthingsplacemissthingsplace on September 18th, 2009 12:40 pm (UTC)
Fantastic to come home to, that last one had me in stiches!
pinkfairy727: Torchwood - Jack Heepinkfairy727 on September 18th, 2009 09:53 pm (UTC)
Stitches is good. You'll never see Simon Cowell the same way again. :P
remuslives23: ianto rapremuslives23 on September 18th, 2009 12:41 pm (UTC)
SO Funny! This made my evening. :)
A Troop of Rogue Trained Monkeys from LJ's Search: spin like a mofohanuueshe on September 18th, 2009 05:30 pm (UTC)
(no subject) - remuslives23 on September 19th, 2009 03:09 am (UTC) (Expand)
(no subject) - pinkfairy727 on September 18th, 2009 09:54 pm (UTC) (Expand)
dynamite with a laser beam: Ianto51stcenturyfox on September 18th, 2009 01:43 pm (UTC)
Martha isn’t actually psychic- Tosh has been emailing her CCTV footage.

Oh, too funny. And the Weevil's tee!

Loved these!
pinkfairy727: Torchwood - Owen & Martha Geekspinkfairy727 on September 18th, 2009 09:54 pm (UTC)
Thank you :D
yantoharknessyantoharkness on September 18th, 2009 01:49 pm (UTC)
lol @ idea of the weevil hehehe
pinkfairy727: Garfield - Happy Dancepinkfairy727 on September 18th, 2009 09:55 pm (UTC)
I have this thing with making the Weevil's do strange things. It amuses me :P
Grania: Janet thinks you're cool!sassysailorgirl on September 18th, 2009 01:51 pm (UTC)
That's hysterical! Gave me a good laugh first thing in the morning!
pinkfairy727: Garfield - Garfield & Odie Laughingpinkfairy727 on September 18th, 2009 09:55 pm (UTC)
Glad I could help :D
riverotter1951riverotter1951 on September 18th, 2009 01:53 pm (UTC)
This is priceless. I can just see a CD with these songs.
pinkfairy727: Torchwood - Owen & Martha Geekspinkfairy727 on September 18th, 2009 09:58 pm (UTC)
I can't give you a CD but, if this worked right, I can give you a YouTube playlist of all the songs. I couldn't find a song for #7 so I just used Jack and Ianto kissing. ;)
Nancy: Myfanwynancybrown on September 18th, 2009 02:20 pm (UTC)
I love this story so much. My sides hurt from laughing. :D :D :D I don't think it's possible to have a favorite section, either, because they're all brilliant.
pinkfairy727: Torchwood - Jack/Ianto End of Days Kisspinkfairy727 on September 18th, 2009 09:59 pm (UTC)
Thanks! I'm glad I could make you laugh :D
(no subject) - nancybrown on September 19th, 2009 02:33 am (UTC) (Expand)
tonjavmooretonjavmoore on September 18th, 2009 02:58 pm (UTC)
This is a lovely set of giggles! Thank you so much. (I wouldn't mind having my own copy of that CCTV footage.)
pinkfairy727: Torchwood - Jack Grinpinkfairy727 on September 18th, 2009 10:00 pm (UTC)
Thank you! (I too wouldn't mind a copy of the CCTV :P )
gkbgoodgkbgood on September 18th, 2009 03:10 pm (UTC)
That was very cute. Brought a big grin to my face. Thanks for sharing it.
pinkfairy727: Torchwood - Jack/Ianto End of Days Hugpinkfairy727 on September 18th, 2009 10:00 pm (UTC)
Thank you for reading it. I'm glad it made you grin :D
ronnydronnyd on September 18th, 2009 03:17 pm (UTC)
Very funny!!! and I think Freddy Mercury would have liked someone like Jack.
pinkfairy727: Torchwood - Jack/Ianto Heartpinkfairy727 on September 18th, 2009 10:01 pm (UTC)
Me too. Thanks for reading!