Are We There Yet? (A fic set in erin_giles' AU verse Footprints in the Sand. I'm pretty certain this was a prompt fic when I was bored on a train journey once, but I've no idea what the original prompt was.
"Are we there yet?" Finn asks for the umpteenth time in twenty minutes.
"No, Finn," Ianto sighs, smiling apologetically at the stern faced gentleman also sitting at their table. The man doesn’t smile back. Instead he glares first at Finn and then at Ianto before turning back to his laptop and hitting various keys with a loud thump.
Now that he is stuck on a train in the middle of the Welsh countryside, Ianto struggles to remember why taking Finn - and Jack - on a day trip to Swansea seemed like a good idea yesterday.
"Okay... Are we there yet?"
“Okay… Are we there yet?”
“Look, Finn,” Jack interrupts before Ianto has a chance to reply, again, that ‘No, they’re not there yet.’ Ianto has half a second to feel relieved that Jack’s going to distract Finn before he realises that Jack is pointing out of the window.
“JAMES!” Ianto winces, silently cursing Virgin and their stupid red trains as one goes wizzing past their own stationary train. He smiles apologetically again at the stern-faced gentleman, but Finn’s excited bouncing as he chants “James! James! James!” over and over again appears to be the last straw as the stern-faced gentleman doesn’t even bother to glare back this time, choosing instead to snatch his laptop from the table and stomp down the carriage in search of another empty seat.
Stretching his legs out into the space left behind by the stern-faced gentleman, Ianto tunes out Finn’s happy squeals as he focuses on his mobile phone which is now dancing across the small plastic table. He half-hopes it’s Owen saying they’ve burned down the Hub and can they to return to Cardiff immediately. Instead of Owen’s glowering face, however, it’s Rhiannon’s that pops up when Ianto snaps open his phone.
‘You having fun yet?’
Ianto hates how she can convey smug superiority through a one-line text message.
‘Yes,’ he sends back. ‘I forgot how much of an angel Finn is when travelling.’ He throws his phone back onto the table when she sends back a picture of Ianto’s living room, a cup of tea on the table next to a large pile of biscuits and Jeremy Kyle on the television screen. It’s not that he’d rather be watching Jeremy Kyle – he’d rather wrestle several rabid Weevils – but a seat with a proper cushion and a cup of drinkable coffee would certainly not go amiss.
"Are we there yet?" Finn asks having grown bored of his ‘James’ chant now that the train was slowly moving again.
"Why don't you read your book for a while, Finn?" Jack says, cutting Ianto off before he can even start to reply. Finn looks at Jack in dismay, unable to believe that anybody could read a book while on a train and risk missing seeing Thomas or James go past.
"Or how about we play a game?" Jack suggests.
"How about who can be quietest the longest?" Ianto mutters quietly.
"Eye-spy, maybe?" Jack asks, a slightly raised eyebrow the only suggestion that he’d even heard Ianto.
Finn's face lights up and a broad smile breaks out across his face. "Can I go first?"
"Sure," Jack replies with an identical smile.
"Eye-spy with my little eye, something beginning with...W!"
"Hmmm," Jack replies looking around before leaning forward, a conspiartors look on his face. "Is it that guy's wig?"
Finn laughs loudly before shaking his head.
Ianto settles back into his seat and closes his eyes, letting Jack and Finn's voices wash over him. He is reasonably certain that Finn has picked window, but he's more than happy for Jack to drag the game on as long as possible.
He doesn't mean to doze off, but he'd been up late last night sorting bags out for the trip and then Jack had arrived with a bottle of wine, a pizza and some peanut butter for an increasingly hormonal Rhi. All his plans for an early night kind of vanished after that.
He startles when Jack accidentaly kicks him in the shin while attempting to stretch his legs. "Sorry," Jack mutters, looking apologetic.
Ianto yawns and mumbles, "It's fine," but he quickly starts to doubt Jack's innocence when he realises that Finn's ramblings aren't enthusiastic raptures about the latest train they just went past, but a never-ending mantra of "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?..."
Untitled Squirrel Rat Fic (A small fic featuring the Squirrel Rats from Personnel Issues, the Big Bang fic I co-wrote with sparking_off.
"This is not how I planned on spending my Saturday night," Ianto grumbled as he pulled himself out from under Tosh's desk, a squirrel rat tightly clutched in one hand.
Owen snorted as he removed the lid from one of the empty animal transport boxes that lined up on Tosh’s desk. "Yes, I'm sure you had something much more exciting planned for tonight, what with Jack being away and all. James Bond DVDs and takeaway sounds riveting."
Ianto dropped the squirrel rat into the box and Owen snapped the lid back on before it even had a chance to think about escaping. "Owen, spending the evening having my teeth pulled out is more enjoyable than spending yet another night trapped inside the Hub with you and a bunch of escaped squirrel rats who don't understand that the big, red, lock-down button is not a chew-toy."
"It's not their fault-"
"No, it's your fault for not making sure the cells were locked."
"Alright, keep your hair on. The chippy will still be open by the time Tosh gets us out."
"That's not the- oh no. Oh, you are so dead."
Owen prodded at the hole in his chest. "Oh, really? Wonder what gave that one away? Perhaps it was the lack of pulse or maybe it was the gaping wound in my chest. Or even-"
"Those squirrel-rat bite marks in the cable coming out of Tosh's monitor?"
"...you know, I've always wanted to visit Chilie. I wonder how fast I can get to the airport if I run for it."
A Dummies Guide To Squirrel Rats (...Seeing as how I wrote more list fic than any other fic, it seems fitting that this should be my last one.)
A Dummies Guide to Squirrel Rats by Doctor Owen Harper.
1. Don’t ever hug a Squirrel Rat. Just don’t.
2. If Jeremy Kyle calls asking for another guest appearance from Dr Harper or his incredibly ugly offspring, just hang up.
3. Don’t let Jack name the Squirrel Rats. Therapy for the Torchwood humans is expensive enough without trying to find animal specialists that are susceptible to Retcon.
4. Bassetts Jelly Babies, or the sugar-free ASDA alternative, can be used as rewards when training Squirrel Rats. Be warned, however, that they WILL know if you try to feed them another brand. Unless you want your holding cells redecorated, I wouldn’t recommend it.
5. If your boss is annoying you, setting several Squirrel Rats loose in his office is a brilliant way to get revenge. It is also a brilliant way to get a pay-cut.
6. Keep them away from computer cables - not because they’ll electrocute themselves, causing a bloody mess in the process, but because lockdown with an irate Jack Harkness is not a fun way to spend an evening.
7. Baby Squirrel Rat is a perfectly adequate name for a Squirrel Rat and is less likely to give the Squirrel Rat a complex. Just ask the male rat who got stuck with the name Louisa.
8. Playing classic 80’s rock into their cell has been known to cause relaxation and drowsiness. Spice Girls, however, leads to a Squirrel Rat revolt and several broken computer chairs.
9. Squirrel Rats are not allowed to watch Rugby as they get over-excited and keep breaking into Jack’s whiskey cabinet whenever Wales lose.
10. Don't let Rhys babysit the Squirrel Rats. See previous point.
11. Only use Herbal Essences Shampoo and Conditioner when bathing a Squirrel Rat, just don’t get the green one. We’re still not sure how it turned their fur purple.
12. Don’t feed Squirrel Rats coffee beans. Nobody likes a Stoned Squirrel Rat.
13. Don’t try and remove their shrine to The Stig. They’ll just keep putting it back up when nobody is looking.
14. The Squirrel Rats are not allowed in the lower levels. Janet is still having nightmares after the last time Baby and friends paid her a visit.
15. Just because you can teach a Squirrel Rat to drive a remote control car doesn't mean you should.